Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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