that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
