the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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