Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
