are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
