We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
