What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
