Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
