Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
