i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
