she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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