you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize