We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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