made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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