only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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