i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
