what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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