capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
