Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
