and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
