This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
