Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
