also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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