I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
