allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
