I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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