Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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