I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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