Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
