She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
