Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize