My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
