It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I believe in your delicious
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
