The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
