I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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