She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
