I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
