The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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