Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My penis needs a shock collar
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize