i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
