Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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