life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
