Someone shit on the floor
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
