U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
