I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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