I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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