he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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