but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
