i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
