I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Randomize
