im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Found the puke drawer
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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