Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
