And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
