There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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