Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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