I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize