he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
