You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
