we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
