I'm eating all of the evidence.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
