im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
