he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
