I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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