Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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