i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
