Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
