Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
