i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
