I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
