If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
