im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
