You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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